


Aside

by ilostmyothersock



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Episode: s03e05 Rage, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25017940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilostmyothersock/pseuds/ilostmyothersock
Summary: Tag to the grocery store scene. I'm on a bigbrother!Chimney kick so here's some Buckleys+Chim.TW: Depression, anxiety, description of a panic attack, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt (not carried out), eating issues, self-hatred, self-harm (causing himself pain).
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley
Comments: 29
Kudos: 285





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Depression, anxiety, description of a panic attack, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt (not carried out), eating issues, self-hatred, self-harm (causing himself pain).
> 
> Am I completely stuck on the “You’re exhausting” scene? Yeah. Is this edited? Not particularly. Is there plot? lol no. IMO it’s dark though, so mind the trigger warnings.
> 
> MIND THE TW PLEASE.

Buck stumbled out of the grocery store back to his Jeep, climbing inside and locking the doors. He put his head in his hands, gripping painfully at his hair as he sobbed.

Exhausting, useless, worthless, idiot.

Idiot, idiot, idiot.

Why had he come? He didn’t even know anymore. He knew they’d be here, he’d wanted to see them, he’d wanted to apologize, but that was all stupid, stupid, stupid.

Why was he always so stupid?

He pulled harder on his hair, needing to feel the pricks of pain on his scalp.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. He choked on a sob.

He didn’t know how long he sat there, but he was pulled from his breakdown by a banging on his car window.

\---

As Chimney took one last glance at Buck as they headed out to deal with the drivers he felt the pit in his stomach grow. He pushed it aside to focus, but once they had everyone safely out of their cars and looked after, he glanced around the parking lot. Buck’s Jeep was still there. Nobody was seriously hurt, but he still quietly asked Hen if she had things under control before going to Bobby and telling him that he needed a minute. Bobby frowned but didn’t object, so Chimney gave him a grateful clap on the shoulder and left the team to the cleanup. He hurried over to Buck’s Jeep. It had been more than half an hour. How long had Buck been sitting in there?

Chimney’s heart sank as he got closer and it became clear that Buck was sitting curled in on himself in the driver’s seat, hands tangled in his hair, shoulders heaving. He knocked a few times on the driver’s side window, knocking again louder when Buck didn’t look up.

As Buck raised red eyes to look confusedly at Chimney through the window, his cheeks clearly tear-stained, Chimney mimed unlocking the door.

The kid looked wrecked. Chimney was suddenly very nervous. There was no way Buck should be driving.

More than anything, he really didn’t want Buck going home alone.

\---

As soon as he had seen the way Buck’s face had gone blank as he heard Eddie’s painfully cruel words, Chimney’s mind hand jumped to just a few weeks earlier. Chimney, like the rest of the firehouse, had been cut off from Buck because of the lawsuit, and he had held Maddie through many nights where she cried that her little brother had pushed her away too.

He was ignoring her calls, replying to texts with just a few words to tell her that he was fine and that she shouldn’t be talking to him, and she was worried.

Chimney was too, if he was honest with himself.

He had seen the way Buck had dropped weight after his accident. Some of it had come back as Buck worked toward his recertification, but after the embolism Buck had spiralled again. The way Buck had been holding all of them at a distance after his injury had just gotten worse after the embolism, and it weighed on Chimney.

Buck was quiet, Buck was withdrawn, Buck was painfully thin, Buck wasn’t Buck.

Buck was depressed.

It was obvious, especially to a former nurse, and Maddie spent many nights lying awake, tossing and turning as she worried about her brother.

Finally, one evening she had caved.

She had ignored all of his warnings not to come over, had grabbed her spare key to his place, and gone over to Buck’s apartment. Chimney had sat awake, nerves not letting him sleep while the TV played some late-night show he wasn’t really watching.

It was past midnight when he finally called her, worried out of his mind that he hadn’t heard anything from either of them in over five hours. Maddie hadn’t picked up, but had responded right after the call went to voicemail that they were both okay and that she wouldn’t be home that night. It wasn’t exactly reassuring, but Chimney had tried to go to bed. He had slept fitfully, jerking awake throughout the night thinking he had heard his phone, each time picking it up to find no messages or missed calls.

Maddie came home the next day around five in the evening. When she let herself into her apartment, Chimney was sitting in the kitchen, nursing a beer. As soon as he saw her he stood up, anxious to know what had happened. She didn’t say anything, but had immediately rushed toward him, folding herself into his embrace and sobbing into his shoulder.

After a few minutes she straightened, hastily wiping at her eyes, setting her shoulders, and hurried to her bedroom to start throwing things into a bag. As she packed, she stuttered out what had happened, her breath still hitching as she tried to tamp down her emotions.

Apparently, she had gone to Buck’s to find him curled up on his couch, his leftover painkillers from the accident arranged in a little grid on his coffee table.

He’d promised her that he hadn’t taken any, but couldn’t find the words to tell her what exactly was on his mind, and hadn’t been able to respond to her questions about if he wanted to hurt himself. She’d held him as he cried, had led him up to bed, and had curled up beside him as he fell into an exhausted sleep.

In the morning, she’d insisted he make an appointment with his doctor, and had taken him to the appointment. His antidepressant dosage was adjusted (Maddie had tearfully confessed she hadn’t even known he was taking any, and Chimney hadn’t either), follow-up appointments were set up, and she’d left him at his apartment with a plea to call her immediately if he felt in danger, and had gone home to pack a bag to spend a few days with him.

\---

Chimney could see Bobby casting suspicious glances across the parking lot, but he focused his attention on Buck. He ran a hand through his friend’s curls before settling it on his shoulder, feeling as Buck’s body quivered with suppressed sobs.

“I know it’s kinda silly to ask if you’re okay, but I’m going to ask anyway. You okay, Buckaroo?”

Buck shrugged, bringing a shaky hand up to wipe away a stray tear.

Chimney took a deep breath. “I need to know if you’re safe, Buck.”

Buck looked up sharply at that. “What... what do you mean, I’m just going to go home. I...” He was trying for oblivious, but Chimney didn’t quite buy it.

“Buck, come on buddy, you know what I’m talking about. I really don’t think you should be driving right now, and I’m worried about you going home alone.”

Buck shook his head, wringing his hands anxiously.

“Buck...”

“I’m fine, Chim. I’m just gonna go home. Coming here was stupid. I’m so stupid. I...”

Chimney’s stomach clenched at Buck’s words, and he crouched down to catch Buck’s downturned gaze.

“Buck... can you look me in the eye and tell me that you’re safe going home right now?” Buck just avoided his gaze, and that was enough convincing for Chimney. He pulled out his phone and sent Maddie a quick text, asking her how quickly she could come and pick Buck up, and if she could possibly drive his Jeep home. She responded almost immediately that she would take an Uber and could be there in fifteen minutes, and Chimney let out a relieved sigh.

“Maddie’s coming to get you, okay? She’ll be here real soon, and until then we’re just going to sit here and chat.”

Buck opened his mouth to protest, but Chimney shook his head. “Buck... I’m worried about you, okay? _We’re_ worried about you. Just let us do this, for our own sake, please?” Buck reluctantly nodded, and Chimney patted his knee. “So, what were you thinking about having for dinner?” Buck shrugged, and Chimney sighed. “Did you have lunch?” Buck gave a minute shake of his head. “Breakfast?” Buck didn’t respond but that was an answer in itself. Chimney took a deep breath. “Okay, so what do you _want_ for dinner? Pizza?” Buck shrugged again. Chimney straightened up, brushing aside the encroaching feeling of helplessness. Identify the problem, provide a solution. He could do this.

“Okay, here’s a question. Is there anything in your fridge right now other than beer and old take-out?” Buck shook his head. “Okay, so we have about ten minutes until Maddie gets here, hopefully the truck doesn’t get called out by then, we’re _at_ a grocery store, so let’s fix that.”

Chimney’s radio crackled to life, Bobby asking what was taking so long. “Respectfully, Cap? Unless we’ve got a call, please just let me have ten minutes. This is important.” Bobby didn’t respond, so Chimney took that as permission, but Buck, having overheard, grabbed his arm.

“Chim...” It came out warbled, but Buck cleared his throat and continued. “Chim, it’s okay. I’m okay, I promise. You don’t need to waste more time here, they’re waiting.”

Chimney gave his head a sharp shake. “No, Buckaroo. This is not time wasted. This is important, _you_ are important. I’m staying here.”

Buck sighed in defeat, dropping his head back onto the headrest. Chimney hated how defeated he looked. He _knew_ that Buck didn’t believe him.

“Come on,” Chimney snapped his fingers. “Up, up. We’ve gotta get you some groceries before Maddie gets here and before the team gets called out.” Buck sighed again, but reluctantly got out of his Jeep. Chimney slung an arm around him, gentle despite his words, and led him back to the store.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chim and Eddie kind of argue. Oops. OOC? Probably lol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same warnings as Chapter 1, but everything is mostly alluded to here, not discussed in detail.

Chimney knew that the truck could get called at any minute, so he rushed around the store grabbing healthy essentials as well as hopefully-tempting but mostly empty calories (because, if you asked him, the kid really did need it). Buck didn’t object to any of Chimney’s choices, but he also didn’t make any suggestions or requests. He trailed tiredly after Chimney like a lost puppy, tried to protest when Chimney pulled out his own credit card (which Chimney shut down with a glare), and let Chimney lead him back out to his Jeep. Maddie was just climbing out of her Uber when Bobby’s voice came over the radio, saying that they had a call, so with one last squeeze to Buck’s shoulder and a wave at Maddie he was off.

\---

He managed to push his worries (and frustrations) aside for the rest of the shift, but when he and Eddie were finally done for the day and were just getting changed in the locker room he knew he had to say something.

“Hey, Eddie, can we talk?”

Eddie quirked an eyebrow before turning back to the buttons on his shirt. “Sure.”

“I... I just... you know we’re here for you, right?”

Eddie frowned. “Yeah, of course.”

Chimney scratched at his temple. “Okay. Good. And like you know you can come to us if you need something, or even if it’s just to talk about something... or to bail you out of jail.”

Eddie rolled his yes. “It was a hypothetical, dude. Relax.”

Chimney nodded slowly, unconvinced. “Well, even if... in the _future_... it became non-hypothetical...”

“Yes, _Howard_ , I know I can come to you guys. We’re a team.”

“Okay. Good.” Chimney scratched his head, opening and closing his mouth several times. Eddie rolled his eyes.

“Spit it out, Chim.”

Chimney sighed. “Are you okay?”

Eddie gave him an incredulous look. “What?”

Chimney shrugged. “Just... I wanted to know if you were okay.”

“Yes, I’m okay. I’m fine. Everything is _fine_.”

Chimney pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a frustrated huff. “Okay. I mean, I don’t really believe you, especially because I know how things have been lately-”

Eddie’s face softened. “Chimney. _I’m fine_. I appreciate your concern, but everything is okay. I promise.”

“Okay. I mean, it’s okay if you’re not, but okay. Then, the other thing...”

“What other thing?”

“The other thing I wanted to talk to you about...”

“ _Jesus,_ Chim. _What_?”

“Please don’t talk to Buck like that,” Chimney blurted out. Eddie blinked.

“What?”

“Like... like you did earlier today.”

Eddie frowned. “ _What?_ ”

“You just... you kind of went off on him and...”

“And you don’t think he deserved it?”

Chimney _didn’t_ , in fact, but that wasn’t really the point. “Whether or not he did is irrelevant.” Eddie scoffed. “Eddie, please, just... Buck’s been... Buck’s been having a pretty rough time lately and -”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “We’ve all got our own shit to deal with, Chim. None of the rest of us whine about it. Nobody else has filed a fucking _lawsuit_ over it.”

Chimney felt his anger rising. _“Forget the lawsuit, okay?”_

Eddie took a step back. “ _What?_ ”

“Just forget the lawsuit for a second, Eddie, please - ”

“He brought up _all_ of our shit, our _personal_ shit, because he couldn’t wait a few fucking weeks to go back to work?”

Chimney rubbed his hands over his face. “I... he...” Some stories weren’t his to tell, but he needed to tell Eddie _something_. He let out a breath, but Eddie spoke before he could.

“He’s not a child, Chim. He’s got to own up to his own mistakes. He can’t keep expecting us to -”

And that did it, Chimney lost his cool. “ _Shut up,_ Eddie, okay? That kid has had a really fucking shitty time this year. And _a few weeks_? He was off for five _months_ , going through gruelling physical therapy and working himself to an _embolism_ to get back. I know you were going through your own shit, and you needed him, and it's not your fault, but he _also_ could have used his best friend.”

“ _I was there for him._ It’s not my fault he cut himself off from-”

“You _weren’t_ , though. And I know you had _so much_ on your plate, but you weren’t there when he woke up after the bombing. You weren’t there when he woke up after the embolism. You weren’t the one driving him to the follow-up surgeries, to appointments -”

Eddie was now fuming. “You’re _dating his sister_ , Chim, it’s not my fault you’re in deeper than you-”

“Exactly! _Exactly,_ Eddie. I’m dating his sister. That kid is my little brother, in every way that counts, and you don’t get to just undo all the work that we-” Chimney cut himself off. If he didn’t watch his temper, he was going to let too much slip and Buck didn’t deserve that. Eddie, however was now looking at him curiously.

“Work?” He frowned. “What work?”

Chimney threw his hands up in frustration, searching for the right words.

“I... we... Buck... he’s been having a tough time lately, and we have tried _so hard_ to make him believe that he can come to us, that he isn’t a burden, that he can _talk_ to us, whenever he needs, and you just...”

“I just what?” The anger was gone, and Eddie was looking intently at Chimney with his eyes narrowed.

Chimney sighed. “He’s been... _fuck_...” Chimney sat down heavily on a bench. “Eddie, you know what, I don’t think it’s really my place to say. I just want you to know that you may have hurt him deeper than you realize, and that he’s been so wrapped up in not being a nuisance and being too afraid to ask for help that you saying what you said today may have done some actual damage. He’s been having a shitty time, and even if you can’t put yourself in his shoes and understand where he’s coming from you should at least understand that you don’t know everything about what someone is going through, and you should really be careful what you say.”

Eddie took a step back in shock. “What? I didn’t mean to-”

“I know, okay? I know you didn’t mean to hurt him and I think a lot of what you said today is coming from hurt that you don’t know how to deal with, whether you’re willing to admit it to yourself or not. What I also know is that I will _not_ let you mess with him like that - not ever, but especially not when he’s in such a...such a precarious place. You don’t know the whole story, but he could really, _really_ use some support right now, and yeah, he pushed us all away but I don’t know if you realize just how much his self-worth is wrapped up in this job, and how lonely and lost he was without it. Without us. He’s been there for you as much as he could be - did you know he had to dip out to the bathroom to throw up, he was in so much pain during your graduation party? He should have been in bed, but he was determined to be there for you, because that’s who that kid is. He gives and gives and to be honest, Eddie, lately I don’t think you’ve been giving much in return. I get it, I do - you can’t pour from an empty cup. But, Eddie? The very least you can do is be kind.”

Eddie was gaping at him, with a suspicious shimmer in his eyes. “I...I...”

Chimney got up and pulled him into a hug. Eddie froze for a moment before tentatively returning it, but pulled away with a hiss when Chimney tightened his grip. Chimney pulled away with a frown. “What -”

Eddie backed up quickly, glancing desperately around the room before looking at his watch. “Shit, I’m... I gotta go pick up Christopher.”


End file.
